Often I have friends back home ask me the question, “Do you get lonely?” They ask this because I have lived overseas for ten years. Bella and I are currently living in our fourth country. And the answer is yes, but I think the emotion of loneliness has become so normal that I do not always name it that.
I am not ashamed to say I get lonely. This does not have to do with the lack of a romantic partner, but the lack of true friends and community. There’s so many ways we can be lonely, but all has to do with lack of connection. The thing is we can be lonely, even if we are surrounded by others and do not feel understood. We can even be lonely if we are living in our hometown, but currently not feeling bonded with others. Loneliness doesn’t always have to do with newness to a city, but oftentimes that can go hand in hand. Years ago, at a therapy conference I heard author and relationship expert Esther Perel say that the number one problem in America was loneliness. This fact was verbalized pre-covid. We know with the pandemic, loneliness increased in societies throughout the world. We had to learn how to navigate this emotion in this new way of being in the world.
But this is a blog on happiness? True, but to avoid these difficult emotions is to veer into the world of toxic positivity. We must embrace the totality of our emotions. It’s when we know we can feel the lows, that the highs are appreciated at a greater depth.
So what do you do with loneliness?
Recognize. Notice what is arising internally, give it a name. If you could stop a moment, and tune into your body. Where in your body is this arising? What is it like? It’s the first step.
Allow Feelings. Give yourself permission to feel it. And what does that look like for you? Tears. Frustration. Anger. Let it out. Give yourself space to feel, and offer the self- compassion to yourself to be vulnerable right now.
Voice. Voice out your feelings to others. This could be to a therapist, or via phone calls with friends and family in other parts of the world. You may express it through journal entries that release the turmoil inside.
Elevate. Now you took the time to notice what’s going on, feel the feels, voice it, and now you can elevate it. This is transforming the motion. It’s been said that emotion is energy in motion, and if emotions are truly expressed and felt only last several minutes. So now what? Maybe you want to harness that loneliness and transform it into a creative project. Or it’s a time to reassess your goals. It can also be a time to now express what in your life you are grateful for.
Although this process is laid out for loneliness, you can use a variation of this for any difficult emotion. This is temporary, just like everything else. Next time you are lonely, turn to this process, and let me know how it works for you. It will pass and you are okay.
It Only Takes A Smile 