It Only Takes A Smile

Remember the Willie Wonka prize all longed for: A Golden Ticket to go to Wonka Land.  It was a land beyond imagination, full of oompa lumpas, endless supplies of candies, a chocolate river, everlasting gobstoppers, and magic?  In the film only a dozen or so people will able to secure a golden ticket.  But I want to tell you right now, you have a golden ticket to Travel the World!

You are living in a time and place when access to the world is easy and available.  I am not overly opinionated on loads of topics, but travel is one of them. Travel the world, see things we have only read about in the bible, visit the lands that inspired fairy tales, or only visited in dreams.  Why should these locations just be reserved as backdrops for films or novels, you can be a character in your own movie.  Get a passport and start now!

I am in Jordan as I write this, never did I think I would end up here or dream of here.  But the more places you go, the more you are intrigued to step your foot in unexplored terrain.  And I have such gratitude for that. Don’t let fear keep you from seeing the world.

At the hotel I am staying in, I saw a Filipina waitress, and I thought “wow I have made it.”  I am travelling the world non-stop in a field and job, that’s allowed me the salary and flexibility to explore.  This waitress was creating a new life for herself and all whom comes afger her.

In reality it wasn’t me that made it alone.  My parents, grandparents, and my biological lineage for me brought me to a land of opportunity.  My mom and grandmother (and all before her on that side) were immigrants from the Philippines, and on my father’s side great-grandparents also were immigrants Poland and Slovakia.  We have golden tickets as we are living the dreams of our ancestors.  Not only that, we are living the dreams of our human ancestors.

Never was there a time that connects us more in humanity, we are all recipients of the hard work of those that came before us. Technology, computers, internet, the ease of cell phones, personal international flights, easy access to be our own travel guides.  Why not take advantage of this?  Get out of your backyard and see the fruit that’s been planted and picked for you. It would be a waste to let the fruit rot and not experience what the world has in store for you.  Take the Golden Ticket, you are guaranteed entrance in Wonderland.

“Traveling – it leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller.” – Ibn Battuta

Who are we when we travel?  Or who do we aspire to be?  At 40 years old, I want to look like a secure confident traveler.  My attire stretches to be one that shows wealth (although not too much that I am a target), simplicity, and an easy-going nature.  I feel my brown skins morphs me into fitting into any ambiguous ethnic culture that may exist in that society.  It doesn’t scream American, particularly when I am alone and don’t open my mouth.  But despite all this, when I get to the bathroom airport, after the long drive, dropping off my vehicle, checking in, and getting through security, I look in the mirror.  I still look like a 20 something backpacker.  I don’t mean to, but this is what I portray.

Discontent overwhelms me.  It’s the crazy print backpack I’m carrying and the camel hat.   Immediately I think what can I buy at the airport to disguise the free flowing wanderluster that wants to show off.  I want to look more business casual cool, not a free thinking hippie.  I start to look at other travelers, how do they walk around so light?  Checked in luggage, solely bringing underwear on the trip with one change of clothes?  Or I start to wonder if I can emulate the cool passenger with a tiny book bag over one shoulder.  After I gaze through a luggage shop debating a purchase, I slow down and remind myself of the goal I had set the past year of beginning to live a life of minimalism.  I can’t just purchase things to resolve situations or apparent problems.  Buying doesn’t solve anything, although we think it does.

You would think that after being an avid traveler, this would be a skill I would have conquered.  But no. Instead of trying to exude an image of elite prestige, embrace the youthfulness in me that still has the energy to go on crazy adventure solo trips with a rolling carry on and backpack on both shoulders.  Know that being a writer and now podcaster, I must travel around with books, a journal, laptop, and microphone to capture moments of inspiration.

Our appearance at the airport is one tiny piece of the trip.  Your journey consists of so much more.  Reflect on your intentions for this excursion.  What do you hope to gain?  How do you want to be?  Dig deeper than what you see in the mirror.  And smile back at the image you see, whatever it may be.

“Live with no excuses.  Travel with no regrets.” –Oscar Wilde

If I was to ask you what is the one internal drive that unites us all as humans, how would you respond?  What do you long for?  What do you want?

Underneath the responses of more finances, the perfect romantic partner, health, a dream job, a sweet job, an exciting international adventure is one threaded emotion.  We want to be happy.  We think all of these external aspects will bring us happiness, that’s why we fill our time trying to attain more.  We strive for more education and experience to get a better job, we date loads of people on tinder hoping we find “the one”, or we try to get as many stamps on our passport to feel fulfilled.  Some of us may actually achieve these aspirations, or all of them.  And we feel happy, but how long does it last for? Minutes? Days? Weeks?  Perhaps, but then we’re onto the next thing.

Or on the other hand, some of us may give up the notion of ever being happy and we succumb to numbness.  We may opt out of actively participating in the world by remaining stagnant and passive on the couch.  We may binge on shows on streaming networks, drink or eat our worries away.  Some may opt for drugs or a revolving door of sexual partners. If we won’t ever be happy, we may at least minimize our pain and suffering.

Many of us may are realizing that happiness cannot be sustained through external factors, and avoiding suffering through numbing does not equate with living.  Holding these two dichotomies in our hand, how do we navigate through life?

Numerous spiritual traditions remind us that the answer lies within.

I attended a meditation during New Years Eve at Kadampa Medtiation Center in New York City.  The instructor shared with us that when we wish others a Happy New Year, we aren’t wishing other people to attain all their desires for the year.  Getting everything you want isn’t reality.  What we are really wishing people for is happiness, which is a peaceful heart and mind that can navigate all that arises in our lives throughout the next 12 months.  He reminded us of the popular Buddhist metaphor shared that we are all golden nuggets that are covered in dirt.  Our essential being is pure and radiant, but we forget this and are stuck in our sorrows and stories.  Can we rub off the dirt and remember the wealth of abundance that is always in existence if you turn towards it?

I found this dharma talk so inspirational, that it has served as a summary of my mission statement for the year and perhaps my life.  How can I remind people the gold that exists within not without?  And it’s available to all of us, regardless of the circumstances currently going on in your life.  True contentment is here for you whether you are newly engaged, divorced, landed a dream job, stuck in a dead end job, or are laid off.   And so the podcast Golden Mirror is born.  Stay tuned as I share weekly tips and remind you how precious and powerful you really are.

I recently listened to a Jay Shetty podcast (link below), in which it was discussed how small talk can not just hinder our relationships with others but also ourselves.  When we talk about superficial expected topics such as the weather, your mood, or what you do as a profession, our responses are rote.  In some ways, we may respond in a robotic fashion.  We have these conversations all the time, and therefore the answers are pre-planned.  “I’m fine.” “The weather is miserable.” We do not allow the space for spontaneous genuine answers to occur.

During the podcast Shetty encouraged us to remove the following questions from our “Go To” conversation playlist.  These are:

• What do you do?
• Where do you live? Vs where did you grew up (more interesting)?
• Any question about the weather
• How’s your journey here?

Jay shared part of his experience in attending a recent conference in Montana, sponsored by Irrational Labs.  Thought leaders, entrepreneurs, researchers, psychologists, and celebrities attended this event, and small talk was illegal.  This included the questions above, and many more.  What was shared was cards containing more personal questions, as a way to deeper connect with those around them. What was discovered is deeper friendships formed at a quicker pace.

These 9 questions are just samples of ways to intensify talk more quickly.

9 questions to ask 

1. What was the last lie you told, would u do it again ?
2. If your younger self met you today, what would make them happy and sad about you today ?
3. What situations make you feel awkward and why?
4. What did you buy recently that you now regret?
5. Have you ever been to jail? Arrested?
6. What do you think makes a person most attractive ? How are you on that scale?
7. If you really really really knew me you would know that ——-
8. What do you fight about most in romantic relationships ?
9. What would you talk about most in a one hour therapy session?

As I listened to the podcast, I took notes and opted to share them with my father and later two close friends.  Automatically from sharing the intent behind these questions and reading aloud only one question, they all wanted the list of questions sent to them. They were excited for themselves to reflect on them and to share them with their loved ones.  It was noted that when we ask deeper questions of others, we are also asking deeper questions of ourselves.

As a psychologist, I love this is being done.  I’ve always loved The Book of Questions or any variation of that. It’s a heart warming relief to see the importance of conversation being shared and recognized.  When we answer these questions with ourselves and others, it opens the potential for vulnerability to form.  If the space is provided and we opt in to be vulnerable with others, true authentic connection is created.

If you are actually interested in asking deeper questions, pause and explore what those could be.  Perhaps create your own list, or if you are interested Irrational Labs are selling these at this link  https://irrationallabs.org/no-small-talk/. I don’t have any affiliate marketing, but I just wanted to share.

The link to the podcast is below:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/on-purpose-with-jay-shetty/id1450994021?i=1000459494347