It Only Takes A Smile

As I write this, I am one week shy away from taking my first mini vacation in nearly ten months.  Yet, “landing home” is not the literal concept I am referring to as I write this.  It’s returning to one’s connection to the wisdom within.

 Currently I have been working full time, enrolled in two additional coaching certifications, writing a book, trying to create weekly podcasts and this blog, and record additional meditations for various meditation apps.  I realized how exhausted I am this week.  Outside of taking care of my elderly dogs when I get home from work, all I can muster the energy to do is make dinner, watch a brief program on Netflix and try to catch up on sleep.  

As I write this blog piece, I notice my mind begins to rhyme, and I further slow down, as my remaining words shift to a poetic pace. 

I’ve been surviving 

but not thriving.

            Working, doing, learning

                         But yet not being.

            Not breathing.

Then my weekend arrived.  

It’s luxury. 

 I had no plans.

An empty space

            For me to land. 

Non-doing

            Treasure in my 

            Pleasure of 

            Leisure

Of nothing.

Landing home to myself. 

Warm rises by 

            The sunshine

And not the alarm

            Grace and space

                        Given

            To not do 

                        No exercise

            In what I had planned

            For there are no plans

            As I land home

                        To myself.

And that has made all the difference.

May we remember the gifts the pandemic did teach us, which is the ability to pause and embrace what is in front of you. Slow down, exist, be, and land back to yourself. 

“You cannot dismantle what you cannot see. You cannot challenge what you do not understand.” 
― Layla F. Saad, Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor

It has now been made official that Juneteenth will forever be recognized as a federal holiday.  There has been a shift throughout numerous states and organizations who were individually commemorating this event, but as a collective whole to note the importance is monumental.  I admit it wasn’t until the past several years that I even found out what Juneteenth was, and until last year truly paid attention.  

Below are two collages I made for a Juneteenth local celebration:

Part of the Anti-racist movement is to recognize the societal racism that exists within you.  It is to not just point fingers at the loud destructive ways people exhibit racism, but the microaggressions that occur on a daily basis.  Even as a person of color, I can admit that I have participated in some of these microaggressions unconsciously.  These things have been ingrained in us, and become woven as part of us.  It’s easy to become defensive and note one is not racist or is purely color blind, but this is not reality.  

This past year I have read multiple books on Anti-racism, my current book is by Layla F. Saad entitled Me and White Supremacy.  It breaks down reflective questions regarding systemic racism, white supremacy, silence, power, and privilege in a span of a 28 day challenge.  There is such change that can happen when we can note the ways we have participated in this and to begin to take a stand in conversations with our friends, co-workers, family, and in our communities. 

As you celebrate Juneteenth this weekend, explore ways for you to dissect and reflect on how this has been part of your life.  It’s uncomfortable, but it’s the only way change can occur.

“Here is a radical idea that I would like you to understand: white silence is violence. It actively protects the system. It says I am okay with the way things are because they do not negatively affect me and because I enjoy the benefits I receive with white privilege.” -Layla F. Saad

Currently I am involved in my fourth coaching program.  Yes, my problem is I am addicted to learning.   The program is Positive Psychology and Wellness Coaching, and twice a week we must be a client and a coach.  This means I must come up with a wellness goal two times a week.  I try to change it up, but one I have focused on twice. 

The other day, I chose the goal of wanting to work out more than twice a week.  Generally, I tend to work out only on the days I am off or teleworking, as I seem to find I have more hours in the day.  But squeezing in additional workouts during the week has not been happening.  I thought I would have the consistency to do weights or the thigh master while on group zoom calls, but lost interest. The coach tried to have me explore small areas which I could add small bits of exercise, but with each suggestion offered I quickly responded with a counterargument.  She offered getting up earlier or changing my morning routine, but 4:33 am is my earliest.  Sleep is precious, as is my morning meditation and journaling.  She queried about anytime after work, but I wouldn’t budge.  My biggest conflict is my aging dogs.  

My life currently revolves around work, creativity, and my English Bulldog Puzo, who turned 14 earlier in the week.  This is astounding for this breed, or any breed for that matter.  Overall his health is good, but he walks slower, sleeps more, and is extra needy.  Perhaps we all get like this when we age.  The days I do yoga or pilates at home, I have to ensure he has been walked, fed, and is taking his first nap of the day.  If he wakes up during my flow, cries and growls will repeatedly come out of his mouth.  It’s anything but relaxing.  What follows is my pet mom guilt.  Free time should be spent with these two dogs, which includes Bella, my 12 year old chug.  Guilt prohibits me from working out in the evening, as Puzo’s new bedtime is anywhere between 4:00 -5:00 pm.  

Back to my coaching story, upon processing the session, I apologized for being a “difficult” client.  I didn’t mean to be.  She said, “I guess we need to know what it’s like if we have negativity bias.”  I automatically got defensive, to call me negative seems like blasphemy.  I feel I’m an optimist at heart.  Was I really being negative?  I shared with her, “I guess exercise is something that’s not high on my value list.  The truth is my dogs are my number one priority, I don’t know how long they will be alive for.  So I’m not negotiating that.”  She offered that compassion may have been more beneficial at the moment versus pushing me, and I agreed.

I repeated that conversation in my head later that night.  What went wrong?  I was not agreeable to placating her with physical commitments I would make.  I knew that was inauthentic.  Exercise is not a top value of mine at this moment.  This is not a bad thing.  Society makes us feel we should make it a priority, but the reality is “if everything is a priority, then nothing is.”  I have accepted that right now, my priorities are work, my dogs, and my creativity.  If workouts are squeezed in, they are added bonuses.  Yet, I will not force myself to commit to goals that aren’t truly mine at the moment. 

I am curious for you reading this.  What goals have you set this year or decade that you haven’t achieved?  Upon reflection, are they what you value at this juncture in your life?  Or are these goals simply accepted as ones that you feel you “ought” to do because society expects it of you?