Mahjong

06 Oct 2025 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , , ,

This week when visiting with my grandmother 3000 miles across the country, I wasn’t alone.  She had other friends present: her weekly Mahjong crew.  Every time I make the visit to my grandmother in Philly, there is at least one day her friends are present.  This has been going on for years.  They don’t gamble for much: There’s 25cent entry fee, bring loads of quarters and it can last you hours. I never thought much of this game, which is similar to Gin Rummy, but with these tiles and Chinese symbols.  I took for granted the sound of the domino like cubes being spread across the table.  It served as background noise to the Filipino parties and gatherings, different older family members taking their turns at winning. It’s the sound of nostalgia, although my mom never played, it seemed to be preserved for the elder generation: grandparents, great-aunts, great-grandparents.

But what made me appreciate the importance of this game was watching my grandma play with her friends this week.  She’s been struggling with dementia for years, walking with a cane, most recently needing people to spoon feed her or else she won’t eat on her own.  Yet, in front of a mahjong table the old mahjong queen arises.  Her strategies are on point, winning game after game.  The music of Barry Manilow played in the background, as she swayed her hands as if conducting an orchestra.  Grandma was in the flow. She may forget something she asked me 2 minutes ago, but she was not forgetting the techniques of this communal game that’s been embedded in her bones.

I never learned this game, but as I watched her and her friends, I tried to pick up what I could.  How many more moments would I have of this? I should learn. I tried to ask questions to the group, and although they responded, I was lovingly scolded because they said they lost because of talking to me. And so I observed in silence for nearly two hours.

And I couldn’t help but appreciate her friends who show up for her week after week, who keep her company, challenge her memory skills, and simply join together to laugh. This is a friendship aspirational goal I hope to achieve. There may be other groups playing mahjong around the world, or whatever game their culture is obsessed with.  Those who live longer fuller lives don’t just have to live in Blue Zones, but must be part of a collective who watch out for each other, still play, sway to the music, and laugh with their competitive edges. 

Role Reversals

05 Sep 2025 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

This week, I am squeezing a visit with my grandmother.  She’s been such a powerhouse for much of my life, the top prescribing psychiatrist in Philly for quite some time. She owned a practice for decades, with hundreds of employees and numerous buildings. The past several years have brought about retirement and a bit of dementia. It’s been gradual, having long term memory, but lapsing in short term memory.

            Mama Minda is what I call her, as she never wanted to be called grandma.  She was quite young when she became a grandmother with me, I never knew any different.  I accepted it, and it stuck.  She helped pay for my living as I went to graduate school in psychology, and my first year of tuition.  For a brief year after I got my doctorate, I lived and worked with her.  I witnessed her wearing powerhouse suite blazers that were bright or filled with bold springtime flowers and heels, bedazzled herself with jewelry.  

Depsite her dementia progressing, she still wears bling jewelry.  The gold glistens as she walks with a cane, or holding onto your arm.  Her time sitting across from patients, listening to their symptoms, now consist of crocheting scarves.  She once led meetings and had pharmaceutical reps following her from one building to another offering expansive meals for staff members, I now had to spoon feed her lunch, or else she wouldn’t eat.   There’s a sense of appreciation, as she feels this is a loving act and it is. We age, dynamics change.

            In the two hours I spent with her, she asked me questions 30-50 times. I didn’t mind responding, as it was a reminder to practice patience.  It also served as exposure therapy to talk about my recent break up?  Our conversations went like this:

            Grandma                                                         Me

            How old are you now? 20? 30? 40?               46

            Where are you living?                                    California

            Where in California?                                      Avila Beach

            Do you have a boyfriend?                              We broke up

            Why?                                                              Not a good match                              

            Was he American? Or Filipino?                     American

            I’ll pray for you so you will find a                 Thank you

                        Good match, get married,

                        And have kids

            And repeat

It’s one way to get over a break up… and I know her repetitive questions are a way to ensure I am “happy”, that I am taken care of.  All the boxes are checked off for what brought about happiness in her era, and she wouldn’t have to worry about me. Or she could partake in any way to assist, by praying or attempting to play matchmaker.

I am not sure how many years we have together, but I will make the most of it. And will be happy to respond to whatever questions she asks, and know they come from a space of love.  It’s a role reversal, and I’m happy to reciprocate.

Ceremony and Ritual

19 Aug 2025 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , , ,

Earlier this year, my friend Lisa bought for my birthday a special necklace. Yet prior to putting it on my neck, she encouraged me to have a ceremony surrounding it.  Because it wasn’t just any necklace. The script was written in the language that pre-dates the Filipino language of Tagalog, before colonization Babayin.  The word is powerful: FREEDOM.

Although my birthday was months ago, I have not felt the time was right to wear it.  I tried a ceremony on the afternoon of a full moon last month.  I walked five minutes from my home to the sand, and into the ocean, and held this in my hand thinking of intentions. But it wasn’t time to wear it yet, and I let time pass. 

Yet something shifted this month.  It was the day after I paid off my credit cards (which had built up after moving back to America). There was a sense of freedom that emerged: financial freedom. And I knew it was time to do a ceremony for the necklace and finally wear it.

Yesterday morning, I walked towards the beach, but this time I stopped and saw mini labyrinth lay before me.  It was in the shape of a snake, a reminder of transformation lay before me. I placed my necklace in the center, along with palo santo and a lighter.  I slowly walked toward the center of the snake’s mouth, and when I reached it I picked up these items and cleansed the necklace. Now was the time to place it on my neck.

And maybe somehow a shift was made.

Today is the second day I am wearing the necklace, a stranger in line at the coffee shop gave me a compliment to my necklace.  She queried if it was in Hebrew, and what it meant. I told her it was “Freedom” in the Filipino script language before colonization.  She found it intriguing, and shared it with her husband next to her.

There was power in sharing the story, in simply telling this stranger about my necklace. It serves as a reminder there is intentional choice and strength in what we wear and the narrative we share behind that. Everyday is an opportunity to make a statement in what we stand for.

Shift in Values

21 Mar 2025 3 Comments

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , ,

            For the past several years, my number one value was my dog Bella.  Ever since my other dog Puzo died at 15 years, she was my priority.  We spent two years living the retired life together in France and Spain.  Bella accompanied me on my lap in cafes, bars, and the parks.  When her legs and paws became tired, I carried her like a baby, to ensure she had prime sunshine on her face.  In the past year, when I had to return to work, I purchased a condo five minutes from work in order to maximize time with her.  My lunch breaks I rushed home to take her out, eat with her, and return home to go on leisurely walks on the beach, ports, or her the local pet shop.  When I had dates or visited with friends, I often asked if Bella could accompany us.  I included Bella wherever possible in numerous facets of my life. 

            And now she’s gone.  Nearly 16 years to the day we found each other in a California park near sunset, she left this earth.  I’ve been a pet mom for 18 years, placing their lives as my number one value as I navigated relationships, jobs, and moves.  We moved back and forth to California several times, including extended time in Hawaii, the United Kingdom, Paris, and Spain.  As I accepted work positions, there was no question if they would be with me.  Their presence was a solid yes. 

            The question that arises now that her and Puzo are gone, is what are my values at this point? How will I make the choices in my life now that my fur companions are gone? What will be number one at this time in my life?

            Oftentimes there’s a dramatic shift in our life that occurs: a death, relationship ending, graduation, health crisis, monumental birthday, or job loss.  We are left with the question, now that this identity is no longer in my life, who am I? How do I want to be? And now the transformative journey begins… I have so much more to share about her impact in my life, but for now with this hole I am curious how to navigate the world without her?

            It’s scary, exciting, and nerve wracking. The unknown.  It’s life.

The Time Changed

10 Mar 2025 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I woke up this morning having a dream that my mother and I had an argument about time. I felt she was wasting it, being slow in her movements, when we had a long road trip to get to. She is retired and luxuriates in time, I felt I didn’t have enough of it. In the dream, I wanted to rush her to and make the most of it.

This dream made sense at this particular moment, it was the evening the clocks sprung forward.

 I woke up earlier than my roommates and was not clear of time. We were at a retreat center with limited cell service and wifi in the cabins.  It was completely dark outside, I looked at my phone and wondered was it really 545 am?  Would my cell phone change without service? Could I trust time, feeling as if I didn’t have enough?

But the truth is (at least for me on retreats) time stretches and expands while one is away from her everyday demands. And so what is time?

Time’s been on my mind, as I have clients in other countries at the moment, where the time does not change.  The past week trying to coordinate schedules blew my mind, what time tomorrow would it be for them when we spoke today for me?   As I reflect on time, I want a different job so I can have more time off, because as a full time salaried employee someone controls the amount of time I can use leisurely and who determines how my sick time shall be used, even if I want to focus more on wellness. I long for time abundance rather than time scarcity.

I woke up with a sore throat and thought to make better use of my morning.  Instead of worrying about time, I would do something with it.  

I opted to walk to the lounge area and have some tea, another retreat attendee noted how early I was up, and he was the same.  He continued to compare this time, to time back home.  Another woman asked for the time, and a man stated the time was near sunset.  He didn’t know because he had pre-coffee brain.  Time was on all of our minds. 

At the moment, I could luxuriate in it.  And I did

Initially as I walked towards the baths at 6ish I saw tiny paw prints on the staircase.  I wasn’t sure what animal may be joining me in the open baths, would it just be me and a racoon? A human couple left the baths, I saw no racoons, and felt at ease as I slid into the thermal baths. At Esalen, the baths are clothing optional.  In the darkness of the early day or evening, I do not mind being nude alone in the healing waters, listening to the ocean hit the rocks below.   And here time felt expansive. 

I sit in front of a tree overlooking a mountain, facing the direction of where the sun will be rising from, having a warm cup of coffee before yoga class begins.   At another point of my busy life, I may say that I beat time.  I was so productive before the sun said hello.   But time is not a thing to be beat. It’s something to be in partnership with, flow with. 

There’s a patter on the roof, I witness two racoons scoping out the landscape during their last moments of nocturnal activities.  Slowly they creep and disappear into the tree that I am observing.  Perhaps these were the racoons whose footprints I observed in the baths. Perhaps we are on the same schedule. They do not adhere to clocks and watches, but the movement of the sun and moon.  Yet, here we are together making the most of the time we have today. 

Reframing Love

14 Dec 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

            As a devotee of romcoms, it seems the world is framed that the potential of romantic love is always a possibility.  Fairytales mold young girls to feel as if their lives are not complete without their knight in shining armors.  And so it’s easy to be feel one is always on the hunt for their other half, and as we go out and about in the world we are programmed to seek couples who exemplify this idealized standard. When we don’t find it, a sense of dissatisfaction and incompleteness can arise. 

            On this Saturday morning, at a chill café in Los Feliz, I did spot a handful of couples.   But what I saw exemplified love to a greater intensity.  It was not the cutesy couples kissing in a corner I saw.  What I witnessed were tables of friendships, groups of men or groups of women meeting up to share their week’s joys, struggles, laughter, goals.  And I realized this was who the majority of the customers were on a Saturday morning.  This was real love.  Love that is loyal, consistent, stable, kind, non-contingent, and long lasting.  Friendship love. 

            So often we are in search of the essence of something that we may already have.  Instead of worrying where one may find love, why not be love, or reside in love that is in one’s atmosphere?  This could be one’s family, friends, or even pets.

            As I write this, I am aware it seems Pollyanna-ish.  Yet love is already all around.  We may not label these interactions and relationships as such, but it offers the same warm feeling of being cared for and offers a sense of belonging. Love is a verb.  Love is an action.  It is not an elusive thing to grasp, and therein lies the problem.  How we believe we should perceive and experience it. At the moment, we may view ourselves as lonely, but ultimately that is a choice in perception.  Allow oneself to experience and feel all the way love shows up in your life this weekend.  Then note how you feel.  Instead of the sense of seeking, there may lie within a sense of satisfaction.

“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.” — Oscar Wilde

29 Gifts

22 Mar 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , , ,

“When I am in service to another person, I am moving from a place of self-centeredness to selflessness. The act of giving inherently carries gratitude in it. For me, it is impossible to give without feeling grateful.” 
― Cami Walker, 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life

During the past several weeks, I finished the book 29 Gifts by Cami Walker.  The self help memoir begins with the author sharing the struggles of the debilitating disease of multiple sclerosis.  The disease has progressed exponentially fast, and she had gotten to the point where she could not prepare a salad for herself or her husband, engage in her freelance job as a web consultant, and it was difficult to walk even short distances without the struggle of leaning on her husband.   The author was 30 something years old and shared her difficulties with a friend, who was a healer from South Africa. This woman told her to give gifts for 29 days.  At first Cami was in shock and hesitant how this would work.  She felt her troubles were so overwhelming she did not have the capacity to give.  But she tried. And she began to see changes.  Energy increased, mood improved, her walking ability, and job opportunities came up.  She also learned that by truly giving, she also was learning how to receive. With the changes she was witnessing, she started a movement, by encouraging friends and others via a blog to do the same thing.

And I thought I would do the same. 

I’m currently in the midst of this, giving gifts for 29 days.  I took inspiration from the book, and began to see that gifts includes tangible presents, but it’s more than that.  Gifts are quality time, donations, advice, food, flowers, pet rubs.  The rules are one must be intentional as one gives with a mantra “I give with grace” or “I give with abundance.” Use whatever phrase fits you.  Reflect via a journal what arises for you.  And one day even buy food for a homeless person, in addition giving them a specific amount of money (in the book it was $7).  And I am seeing small shifts. 

What are the types of things I have been giving? I have donated to an international children’s charity, a pet charity, I’ve baked goods for my colleagues twice and friends.  In addition, I have offered classes with a full heart, although I knew there would not be much compensation in return for belly dance, yoga, and meditation. I’ve offered prayers, offering to pay for food or drinks for friends and families, leftover magazines for a colleague to do her vision board.  I’ve bought future hotel stays for friends, we would be doing together. I’ve let people go in front of me in line.  I’ve offered positive quote cards or memes to friends that were sad.  I’ve offered the gift of honesty to someone I was dating that it wasn’t working out.  It’s been a wide variety of ways I’ve given gifts, and I am reminded in the past I used to give freely. 

As I completed this 29 day gift challenge, there was validation that I had once given freely to others and often.  But eventually, I feel people have taken advantage of that, and I have closed my heart. Why give when it was not appreciated?  In doing that, maybe I’ve shifted how the law of attraction works.

On the other hand, what have I received? I have attained two scholarships I applied for: one for a warrior at ease level 2 yoga training (focusing on trauma) and one to Esalen. Initially I noticed there was an uptick in men I was dating, although numbers don’t mean anything, it was refreshing. I observed one day I donated $5 and was granted a $5 coupon to use within 20 minutes, the law of energetic exchange works quickly. I received unexpected gifts from friends, it wasn’t a holiday or my birthday.  I received a galentine’s gift and a collection of gifts from a fellow wanderluster’s travels.  One must give without the expectation of receiving, but if one gives from his/her full heart, it’s reciprocal.  It may not be in the exact same manner but it returns. 

And now I offer this blog as a gift to you.  As a challenge for you to try the 29 Day Gift Challege.  Give freely, and see what arises.

To find out more, check out this site:

http://www.29gifts.org/

5 Truths About Love And Valentine’s Day

12 Feb 2023 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , , ,

Valentine’s Day.  We love it or hate it, dependent on if we have a romantic partner.  Ever since I was in school, we passed out Valentine’s to crushes or hoped we would receive one from an unrequited love.  The greeting card industry, Hollywood, and advertising agencies remind us that we have to show and receive love from our partner through romantic gestures.  We are searching to find this “love” state. There are so many things we get wrong, but here are 5 Truths about love and Valentine’s Day.  

  1. We Don’t Have To Wait For A Date.

The first time I heard of this concept was in Julia Cameron’s book The Artist Way.  She encourages us to take ourselves on a weekly artist date.  Oftentimes we wait for someone to go to that movie we have been longing to see or try out that new restaurant.  Why wait for a date to do something you love?  

Although this book is geared towards creatives, I loved the concept.  I have offered it as a homework exercise for many clients. 

  • How will you treat yourself to an artist date? 

2.Love Exists in Many Forms.

We know this in theory, but how often do you feel it?  I’m so glad that the television show Parks and Recreation had an episode about Galentine’s Day, where girlfriends celebrate love for each other.  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYv1zjBOMew)Years after the show ended, memes still come around every February 13th.   Love exudes in our friendships, family, co-workers, pets, community, or even with strangers.  

  • How does love show up in your life today?

3. You Can Still Love Exes And Old Crushes, It’s Ok. 

There may be a debate about this concept.  Some people think we need a clean break of all of our emotions about our exes and old crushes.  We can still love them, as they were witnesses to our lives and who we once were.  It doesn’t mean they have to stay in our lives in the same capacity or that we should still be in contact with them.  But we can still love the place they had in that period in our lives.  We helped shape each other. 

  • What lessons did you learn from your old flames?

4.Love Is Something That Happens To Us.

These days with online dating, we must swipe right, match with a partner, actually go on a date, have chemistry, and hope for a second date.  There’s the term of “falling in love,” as if it is out of control.  But love is not passive and doesn’t just happen to us if we have good luck.    Love is a verb and an action we can engage in daily.  Again, it doesn’t always have to be linked to romantic love.  The other day I witnessed a tourist who bought two loaves of bread to feed to the birds.  He didn’t expect anything in return or didn’t know anyone was watching him.  Automatically afterwards, I saw a mother running with her child, but backed up slowly so her child can win.  Both of these moments are love in action, and love is really all around if we open our eyes to see all the ways it arises.  

  • In what ways have you expressed love this week? 

5.If You Can’t Love This Moment You Will Always Be Searching.

For many of us, happiness and love are something we are always striving for.  If only I ______, then I will be happy.  Fill in the blanks can range from get married, have a child, find the perfect job, take that dream vacation, make $1,000,000, or retire.  Happiness is always over there.  But the truth is once we arrive, we may find that it is fleeting.  If we keep waiting for the right moment, we will always be waiting.  

  • How can we experience and love this moment right now? 
  • How can we remind ourselves to do this daily? 

We explored in this blog post 5 Truths About Love and Valentine’s Day.  Hopefully the reflection questions will help recall all the ways love exists in your life, regardless of your relationship status. Valentine’s Day is one day per year, but we need to remind ourselves how to show up and express love in all of it’s forms all other 364 days of the year.  

To explore more about the other types of pilgrimage we embark on, check out this piece https://amodernpilgrimage.com/types-of-pilgrimage/