#kindness | It Only Takes A Smile

Kindness of Neighbors

22 Jun 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #awe, #community, #dogs, #kindness, #moralebeauty, #pets, #strangers, animals, dog, neighbors

Yesterday, as I was walking my dog, I saw a stray petit black dog. Automatically I was worried. He had no collar and looked familiar, he looked like another neighbor’s dog. The dog was located next to the house of a family who recently vacated the building. I had heard horror stories about the family, who took the week to move out, and carelessly left belongings in the front and back of the home. Did they leave their dog? These were both black small dogs, would they have dared to leave him? I have heard stories of people leaving their dogs leashed or unleashed when they move from homes, so the dogs would not find them, and the family could have a fresh start sans animal. I was hoping it wasn’t the case.

Outside of a hello, I rarely talk to my neighbors, but I found myself purposefully asking neighbors closeby “was this the previous neighbors’ dog?” Both individuals I asked said no, stating this dog belonged to someone several blocks away. One of these neighbors said she would walk the little black dog back home. She had once found this same dog, and he escorted her to where he lived. What an intelligent little thing, but why would owners let them loose on streets that could get busy at times? She tried to nudge the little young black dog home, but he was playing with my older dog. He was following us to my home, and to help the neighbor out, we all walked several blocks, and escorted this dog to his rightful home. We found out he was a three year old boy named Scotty, whose owner was searching for him that afternoon.

I had only met this elderly neighbor once. She introduced herself (Rosie) and her dog (Phoebe), when we moved into the neighborhood. She has had her dog, which is a terrier mix, for three years. She had found her in the recycling bin years ago, right behind the condo complex. Phoebe was difficult to get out of the bin, because she kept biting hands that were trying to save her out of fear. With multiple attempts and the assistance of her adult children, they got Phoebe out of the recycling bin. They cleaned her up and created signs for those who may be missing a dog, nobody claimed her. Rosie realized that Phoebe may have been the pet of a homeless person, as the dog had a strong digestive issue, which appeared to be from drinking contaminated water. Despite this, they fell in love with her and Phoebe has been in Rosie’s home for years.

Morale beauty is an aspect of awe which occurs when we witness or observe acts of kindness, courage, or strength in other humans that bring a sense of amazement and wonder to us. I couldn’t help but feel this way for Rosie, who in small moments offers her kindness to these pets who enter her life. I’ve only interacted with her twice, and both times have amazed me. As we walked little Scotty home, I couldn’t help but think this is what true neighbors did back in the day. This is what community is, we offer support and watch to each other, and our pets.

Who in your life brings a sense of awe for the morale beauty they exhibit? How can you offer kindness to a neighbor? Morale beauty isn’t always recognized on the news or talk shows, but it exists all around us if we have the space to look.

Thanks Rosie for the kindness you offer to our neighborhood, and the pets that enter our lives.

Paying Attention

30 May 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #kindness, #mindfulness, attention, inner-critic, writing

I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. -William Butler Yeats

This morning, while taking out my dog for her morning walk, I stepped on a snail. This was not on purpose. I am usually so careful of where I am stepping. It’s at this early hour where I watch the snails go from the grassy area over the sidewalk to the bushes. This is the only time of day I observe them in my neighborhood inching around. But today I wasn’t paying attention to where my feet were walking and I heard a crunch. Automatically I felt quite bad, how was I not more mindful at this moment? Where was my head?

Instead of ruminating on what I didn’t do, I could focus on what I can do for the future: PAY ATTENTION.

I also began to think of the metaphor of treading softly. How often do we hurt others with unkind words or a lack of support in people following their dreams or goals? Our one disapproving comment could stick with them. A person told me yesterday, how the comment “there are no stupid questions” he once believed this, but once when he asked a question in a setting and the person answering belittled him and reminded him this was a stupid question. “It only was once, but it stuck with me.” This sheltered this person’s sense of curiosity or ability to trust others, for fear they will be judged.

How often do we do this to ourselves as well? Make negative statements to ourselves, show a disregard and negativity to our own aspirational pursuits. We are harming our own dreams.

Therefore, pay attention to the words you express towards yourself or others, “tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”

Curry

18 Feb 2024 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #asian, #curry, #filipino, #food, #kindness, #strangers

Earlier today I was in a checkout line at a Filipino grocery store. My purchases were small but intentional: a ten pound bag of Thai Jasmine rice, Chinese Mabo Tofu mix,Vietnamese Pho noodles, pad Thai sauce, Japanese udon noodles, some local vegetables, and a packet of Korean curry. The young cashier who was checking me out on the register said to me, “I have one question, what is curry?”

I looked at her in amazement, I assumed everyone who worked at the store was Filipino or some type of Asian, but she appeared to be Mexican American. I proceeded to summarize curry as a type of stew “It’s a stew that adds flavor to your veggies and meats.” I was so astonished that someone didn’t know what a curry was, and I was wondering if I was offering a poor answer to this question. “This is a Korean curry, but there are Japanese curries, Thai curries, Indian curries, so many kinds.” She was open to admitting her lack of knowledge on the subject. “I want to start experimenting and try cooking new dishes. I tried the Filipino curry, and so I was wondering about this curry.” I was curious what dish she was talking about, as Filipinos technically don’t have curries, or maybe I didn’t view it in that way. Was it adobo, kare kare, or caldereta? I didn’t want to keep up the line, but offered her a “thank you and good luck with your curries.”

I wondered if my definition excited or deterred her from curry. There was so much more to say about it, but I was caught off guard. And yet in that moment, I appreciated this stranger’s sincere honesty and willingness to seek more knowledge. I also was in awe of the fact that we were in California in an area full of diversity, in which we can learn, understand, and appreciate things from each culture. My $33 spent on groceries was an abundance of Asian wealth from a variety of countries. We take that for granted these days, but in the moment I was appreciative of the global education we all can offer each other while in line at an ethnic grocery store.

Hidden Acts of Kindness

12 Feb 2024 1 Comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #california, #heroes, #kindness, #randomactsofkindness, #santabarbara, #strangers

I am lounging in Caje Café in Santa Barbara, a Spanish style coffee shop that sits across the Alrington Theater. It’s happenstance that I’m here during the Santa Barbara Film Festival in front of a premiere. People are lined up to see the stars walk down the red carpet before entering the theater.

The café drew me in not because of it’s proximity to this event but because of the beauty of the courtyard. After leaving Andalucia in December, I was missing the outdoor beauty of Spanish life, and longed to be close to a beautiful fountain and greenery. There were young college students at the café, in addition to yuppies, dog owners, and fellow book lovers who sprawled out in the sun and read their next chapter. There was also a man who appeared to be struggling with mental health issues, potentially homeless, walking up to various customers muttering to himself, before he was kicked out.

I sat in the outdoor café and wrote, once in awhile peaking on what was going on around me. The music was quiet and chill, it was a simple Sunday afternoon. But then I heard loud screams coming from the street. Me along with many of the customers stepped out of the café’s white entrance to sneak a peak. The main star arrived. Billie Eilish’s van pulled up and she was about to enter the festival. The screams were loud, fans stood on their tip toes to see above the crowd to get a view above other fans who were holding up her most recent record. She briefly stopped to shake fans’ hands and was interviewed by the press before heading into the theater.

I went back into the café, whose background music was promptly changed from soft mellow tunes to a loud Billie Eilish song. As I walked in, so did the man with mental health issues. He was running behind the screaming crowd and proceeded to run back into the café, making fellow patrons squeamish. A woman came up to him, and asked what was wrong. I wasn’t close enough to hear the words he was muttering on repeat. He was distraught and upset. She held his hand and slowed down her breathing. Gentle loud exhales to decrease his nervous system, as she did this she repeated to him “you are safe.” She continued to check what he needed at that moment, and offered to get him water as he sat down. The fellow staff member who kicked him out minutes earlier, came by to check.

This female courageous customer was handling the situation. She was calming this stranger down, when everyone else backed away. He was shaken by the loud screams for Billie Eilish and was unaware of what was going on.

As I watch this all unfold, I thought of the irony of the situation. This woman was the real rock star here. Yes, artists and musicians help express our emotions and get us through difficult times in our lives through their creative works. Everyone surrounded the theater to welcome her entrance to the event. But at a café across the street, a woman was in the everyday trenches, offering a moment of tangible calm support to a stranger that was viewed by others as untouchable. She was not paid for this act, and nobody else said anything to her for this to be recognized as profound and strong.

I offered her one of these Puzo Bella cards (which you may have received, which is why you may be reading this blog). I wanted to tell her I noticed her and wanted to thank her for helping a stranger. For some reason as I did this, I wanted to cry. In that moment, she had this superhero strength of compassion of a saint. And I wanted her to know it was seen and appreciated. There’s so much to be seen and admired in this world, and it’s not only things that are of material wealth. It’s these everyday moments that are full of rich individuals, simply helping a stranger.

Self-Compassion During Times of Change

27 Nov 2023 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #compassion, #expat, #expatlife, #kindness, #moving, #stress

“Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.” — Pema Chodron

Moving is always listed as one of the top 10 events that are attributed to our personal stress. There are so many facets involved with this big ordeal: making the decision to embark on this change, informing one’s landlord, having prospective tenants visit your place, finding a new place to live, searching for a job, interviewing, attaining a job, packing, transportation to the new location, and coordinating the shipment or move of one’s belongings. This is the case for me. In the past six months, I’ve made the decision to relocate. I will not just be leaving my current city, country, but also continent. After 10 ½ years of living overseas, I will be returning to America, a job, and a newly purchased condo. And so the past several months have been eventful, with interviews, travels, paperwork, coordination, and packing.

I had always thought during times of moves, that we must almost be in a manic state to ensure we get everything done. This includes excess energy, less sleep, and full speed ahead planning. I’m generally overcaffeinated and prepared for all. And this time, I’ve tried to decrease some of this and maintain a bit of my spiritual practice. In reality, I do not have the time or mental capacity to do all of my spiritual practice. This is where self-compassion has been vital for me.

It’s during these moments that I remind myself, that it is all ok. Although I may not be able to do my extended leisurely 45 minute spiritual practice every morning, everything counts. Doing just my daily gratitude and reading a spiritual text in the morning may be enough. I also could intentionally choose to make anything a spiritual or mindful practice. I have done this with taking my dog for a walk and being present without the distraction of phones, doing the dishes mindfully, and slowing down the mornings with candlelight and coffee. There are options for reset numerous times of the day.

Instead of harboring on myself that I haven’t been able to do my daily yoga practice, and I can lean into the comfort of knowing I spent quality time with visiting friends or family. I can take it easy on myself because I’m navigating a strenuous transitional time. And I can take deep diaphragmatic breaths, when I remember.

Last month, I had attended a silent retreat. On my free time, as I knit a small blanket, I would repeat the following compassion phrases first with regards to myself, then someone I love, another I am neutral towards, someone I dislike, and the larger world. This is known as metta or loving kindness meditation. The compassion phrases I tend to lean on are the following:

May I be free from suffering.

May I be free from internal and external enemies.

May I live this life with a healthy body and happy mind.

May it be so.

The blanket I was knitting was becoming a compassion blanket, for myself, others and the world. Instead of ruminating on all the stressors that were in my life, I could focus on those phrases and that moment. I remind myself this during my last week living abroad. Can I find comfort in the crazy? Can I hold myself in compassion through change? I encourage this metta practice to all of you, regardless if you are in the midst of transition or simply preparing for the holiday season.

Comfort By Strangers

09 Oct 2023 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #expat, #expatlife, #kindness, #strangers, #travel

“If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world.”-Francis Bacon

Sometimes we can find the most comfort in surprising places: strangers. We don’t expect anything from them, because they don’t know us. This fact is when a kind word is said or gracious act done, the appreciation in our hearts can linger. This was evident in several instances the past two weeks.

Two weeks ago, one of my childhood friends was visiting me for her first European trip. Since I have lived here for nine months, I took her to some of my favorite places in Andalucia. This included one of the most beautiful beaches in Nerja, a 45 minute to 75 minute bus ride away (dependent on if it’s direct). The waves were strong that day, and I only had the energy to put my feet in. I had gone one week prior when the water was tranquil, and I didn’t want to navigate the currents. But Lisa was mesmerized by the waves, she entered a trance of it’s blue hue beauty and power. She walked in deeper, and the waves dragged her in for an embrace. I was in the sand at this point and saw her face after she was pulled in and laughed. Her mouth was open and she was surprised. Me and a stranger tried to motion another wave was coming and to prepare for it, she got dragged in again. Lisa prefers to say she was “spanked by the Mediterranean.” Without hesitation, this stranger went towards Lisa to try to offer assistance by pulling her arm up out of the water. I sat in astonishment. I didn’t think she was in danger, but would have easily gotten in a constant battle with the sea. Timing was everything to get out without being pulled back in. Every other person in the sea was also having this experience, but relished in it. Adults transformed to children to surrender their control to these strong waves. Lisa still had her sunglasses on and was not prepared for the intensity. In that moment, I thought how kind it was this stranger offered support while I sat there in pure surprise.

The other day I sat in a local tattoo shop, awaiting my turn for an hour long session. I talked to a young woman who was getting a souvenir tattoo, after a two week trip to Spain from the UK. It was an empowerment trip for her, post break up, and a means to exemplify her strength and symbolism of this trip. As she searched for what to get, she asked me, “are you ready to get a tattoo? Mentally ready? Because you have to be.” I agreed. I motioned to where I was getting the tattoo, and she had gotten a large tattoo in the same area before. Hers took 8 hours, compared to my potential one pending hour. She said, “Oh yes, the ankle is tender. You have to be prepared.” I appeared very non-chalant, as I had been researching the style of tattoo for months. I wasn’t aware that it would take this long. But she was right, I needed to get in the zone. A staff member asked if I wanted a coffee, I didn’t. But this stranger encouraged me to take the coffee, I would need the caffeine to get in the zone. And I was grateful for this short exchange we had with each other, hopefully I offered some support for her in this tiny end to her journey as well. I took the espresso shot and meditated for an hour during the session.

Post the tattoo, as I took my dog Bella out for a walk, we sat at this local playground. Bella likes to sit here in partial sun and shade, and people watch. Several little girls asked to pet Bella, not believing she was 14 years old. One girl lingered. She was Morena like me, appeared to be 7 years old, and had 3 dogs at home. She had a gentle and calming nature about her as she pet Bella, and asked questions in Spanish. I responded in Spanish. It was one of the few people I have spoken to here this long without being self-conscious of my Spanish proficiency. Her tee shirt had the words enchanting and charrming on it, and it suited her perfectly. After five minutes, she said “Voy a poco jugar ahora.” Translated to “I’m going to play a little now.” Bella and I offered a wave and continued on our walk.

All three instances were brief instances of kindness with strangers, different ages and ethnicities. I do not know any of their names, and will probably not see any of them ever again, but for several brief moments comfort was shared in knowing one wasn’t alone during these times.

Tiny Rewards

20 Sep 2023 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #dogs, #expat, #kindness, #rewards, #selfcompassion

I have to admit cleaning is not my favorite activity. I’ve dreaded this over the years, and it stemmed from parents who also hated cleaning. But it’s a necessity of life, and I have learned to pair it with something I enjoy. Lattes! Oftentimes, I will reward myself for doing mundane duties with a large caramel machiatto from Starbucks. I definitely appreciate the local cafes, and lounging in cafes for hours as I write. This happens often during the week, as I meet with acquaintances or friends. But I admit, Starbucks lattes in my take-away cups are quite large and take me a long time to drink. Therefore, the pleasure can last for even more hours as I take it home and engage in such tasks as laundry, dusting, and scrubbing.

When I lived in Paris last year, I had to go to the laundromat to deal with my dirty clothes on a bi-weekly basis. I carried my laundry one block in a rollie bag and large laundry sack. As I waited for these clothes to wash. Starbucks time. And as I write this: one friend has left my home after visiting for 10 days and it’s my time to clean the sheets and the house before the next one visits for 10 days… Well it’s Starbucks time.

This act is more than a reward, it’s a form of self-compassion and kindness. It’s as if I am giving myself a gold star for doing my homework and can redeem several stars for one treat. I am the student and the teacher in this scenario. I do the hard work but also give out the reward. It’s served me well the past several years. It may seem ridiculous, but it’s worked.

Bella sits on my lap as we lounge upstairs overlooking the fountain in Plaza de Constitution in Malaga. The breeze comes in, music plays, tourist pop in and out. And I know these moments of tranquil writing time and caffeine will feed the hours of cleaning that will proceed this afternoon and evening.

How do you reward yourself for the tiny chores that you do in your daily life?

Muses, Strangers, and Artist Dates

17 Sep 2023 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #expat, #expatlife, #kindness, #strangers, #travel, #wanderlust

Years ago I yearned to be a muse for artists, perhaps this is why I fell for artistic individuals. It didn’t matter if they were painters, writers, or musicians, if they had artistic ability, I was interested. I then began to learn to deepen my own creativity and explore the beauty that existed within.

Numerous paths to art entered my world, such as various forms of dance, writing, collage art, and even the way I chose to dress. With time, I even became a creativity coach to help bring this out in others. I embraced the phrase Frida Kahlo used as an anthem “I am my own muse.” I even got the word “muse” tattooed on my body, as a reminder that I can be my own muse.

And this past week, unknowingly I was one.

After eating lunch at a restaurant in Granada, a woman waved me over. I had noted she had a sketch pad earlier in the hour, but I didn’t think anything of it. She proceeded to show me the drawings she created of me, as I was talking with my friend. I snapped these two photos to capture the moment, and was honored.

She was a fellow tourist, from the UK, exploring Andalucia with her husband. For a moment, she chose to have an artist date, and offered to show me what she completed. We shared brief life bios, and went on about our days. It was a brief but heart warming exchange.

These sometimes serve as the most fascinating parts of travel, happenstance occurrences with strangers. We could impact each other through philosophical conversations, travel tip assistance, or physically helping another with their luggage. Energy is mutually exchanged. Who knows, you may even sometimes serve as another’s muse.

Lessons In The Market

06 Sep 2023 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #expat, #expatlife, #kindness, #strangers

One thing I have appreciated about living in Europe is going to local markets, particularly when the crowds are quiet and the selections are abundant. Yet this week, I went on Saturday midday. On Saturdays, Atarazana market in Malaga is filled with of tourists and family members buying produce for the week. As usual, my favorite stall was full, but I quietly waited my turn in line. When my turn arose, an elder Spanish lady began saying she was before me “Soy proxima.” “I am next,” she said. But both stall workers and me knew this wasn’t the truth. I acted like I didn’t understand what she was saying. I didn’t want to get an attitude or did not have the energy to correct her in Spanish. She complained about me to the other people in line. She continued to complain to the stall owner, repeating his name and saying in Spanish how he is wrong and she was next.

There were many ways he could have reacted. He could have caved to her, as she was probably a more frequent customer than me. She had probably been buying him for years, versus months. He could have argued back with her, using anger against anger. Instead he chose an unthinkable action. He laughed it off, he showed he could win this argument with his jolly nature versus unkind words. He chose to smile instead of sneer.

As I left the scene of the crime, I realized I too had a choice in this moment. I could carry the hostility she threw my way. I could react with frustration at the next person I interacted with. I could ruminate on the frustration of being right, but the fact she still continued to complain about me. I could have exacerbated this issue and generalized how she acted towards me was how all Spanish people behaved. I could have allowed this moment to turn towards enlivening hatred at the experience of being a foreigner living in Spain.

But I chose to live in the way of that jolly food stall owner. I shrugged it off. I admit it wasn’t with enough levity as he did. But if he could let it go, so could I. We are often given examples of negative ways in how to act, negativity is contagious. But so is kindness. This is the reason I created this blog years ago. It only takes a smile, kindness can be just as contagious as negative vibes. I want to emphasize it’s important to witness and catch the moments we go against these tendencies, and shift towards the opportunity of reframe. Teachable opportunities are available for us, if we are willing to humble ourselves, reframe, and learn, even from the local market stall owner. Gracias 

Seeing Kindness in Struggle

27 Aug 2023 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: #expat, #kindness, #strangers, #travel

Sometimes trips just aren’t what you have planned. This was the case this past week. Without getting into the details, I was left stranded in a country which I didn’t speak the language, 40 minutes from the city center by train, with a heavy bicycle, on a date that went bad who wanted me to go cycling in the sand. It’s been 8 years since I bicycled, and he thought bicycling in the sand would be a good idea. He left our trip together, and I was stranded to fend for myself navigating back to Riga on these trains from the Soviet Times. I had to lift a bicycle up and down these massive steps with doors that were difficult to open. Luckily strangers helped me in this moment bring the bike in before the train doors closed. When the train worker came by so I could pay for my ticket, I said “Riga.” She said No! She didn’t speak English, and a passenger said in broken English. “Wrong way, how did you do this?” I didn’t know. It was a moment I wanted to break down and cry. I had to get off at the next stop, and do this all over again for the next train on the opposite track. I was stuck carrying this heavy bicycle in a land where I didn’t know the language and I physically had to have strangers help me. My date left me stranded, but I was so kind that in broken English people could help me. It was definitely a rom com go bad moment, where things must shift and get better.

I am so grateful in moments like this for humans that are willing to help. Although they didn’t know how much it meant to me at those times, when I felt alone and hurt, their physical presence in assisting me meant the world. I know I will pay it forward in the future, as the saying says “we are all just walking each other home.”

“Kindness is the golden chain by which society is bound together.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

It Only Takes A Smile