Earlier in the week, I had a pending zoom call at 12:00 on a Saturday. It was after 10:00 am, and I thought I could squeeze in a good ninety minutes at the park. We generally had the luxury of two hours, so ninety minutes felt tight. Yet, I was determined to do this. I would rush to the park, find our spot and blanket in the sun, restore, then zip back for the call. But how we plan things does not always equate with what arises. This is particularly the case when you have a 15 year old British bulldog in a stroller and a 13 year old pug/chiauaua mix who walks at a different speed.
As we began our walk to the park, the sidewalks were crowded, as it was the weekend. We passed a cheerful homeless guy, who I see daily and always wants to greet my chug. But so many people were around, and I couldn’t seem to back track to return to him for his daily pet. I mouthed “later.” Shortly after, an elderly female who also was a dog owner stopped to talk to us at the light in French. I tried to answer in French, “il est vient, il est quinze ans.” He is old, he is 15 years old.” She spoke in English. I wanted to try to cross the sidewalk while it was green, but Puzo began to stand up in his stroller. I pushed him back down. The lady then proceeded to carry her dog up to Puzo height and practically in his stroller to smell him. I was not going to make the light, it seemed like a comedic scene from a sitcom. I was in a rush, and the world was not letting me go at that fast pace. I then stepped in a puddle on the street from the street cleaning.
We eventually made it to the park, found our spot in the sun and sat. As I looked at the Eiffel Tower, I realized I was living the life I had planned for one year earlier. I was in France, all this work to get to here and I have arrived. My dog park was the Champ de Mars, but was I really present? Was I living here truly? Time passed, as numerous dogs and their owners came over to sniff my dogs.
As we walked home, I seemed to time it perfectly. I didn’t factor in these triplet five-year old French girls who wanted to pet my dogs. One girl tried to take the leash out of my hand, asking in French to walk my dog? I didn’t know how to respond, until her mother came over and told her no. The girl removed her hands from Bella’s leash. They individually wanted to pet both Puzo and Bella. I realized all of my interactions today were friendly and kind, but my sense of being in a rush could ruin this experience.
This was such a metaphor for my life here in Paris. I came here to write my book, but I have yet to be signed by publishers. My agent is encouraging me to pause until I am signed. I must be patient with this process of a book being developed. Originally, I wanted to be in Paris for one year, in and out with a book completed. But this year is not looking like that. It’s delayed. I’m learning to slow down, and luxuriate in pleasures. Learn to appreciate my time here guilt free. Somehow this is tough for me to do. To unlearn.
But if I am honest with myself, another reason I came here was to ease the transition with my dogs. They are older and Puzo would not make it back to fly to America. Our move from the UK to France, was smoother via car rather than plane. I’m able to spend more time with them, without the confines of a commute or regular job. Our pied-a-terre has turned into an elderly dog nursing home, and I have transitioned from being a psychologist to one who is a caregiver for my dogs. The frequent accidents that occur in the home, the slow strolls, and the somatization of physical issues when I travel are all a reminder for me to live in patience. I have to remind myself that my life right now is a living breathing loving kindness patience meditation. This is where we are at, and what is required of me at the moment is unconditional love and care.
Perhaps this is what I am meant to learn here in Paris. To slow down, practice patience, and pleasure. I am to learn what it truly means to be present in my day to day life, not just as a mental construct. Let go of what is next, because the reality is I do not know what that entails.
“If when you look at me, you only see a white face and cloudy eyes, a burden or a hassle…you’ve missed out on the best part of me…Love me until the very end, for I am a gift. With each wag of my tail, I say thank you.”– Bacardi Reynolds
It Only Takes A Smile 