My teal Birkenstocks have been broken in the past 2 years. I purchased them in Europe, and gently wore them back and forth during my time in Spain. But they helped me transitioned as I returned to my California beach life, after ten years abroad. I molded them to fit my feet as I walked my 16 year old Bella daily, whether on a promenade that surrounded a harbor, to the neighborhood of Silverlake when visiting my brother, or to the beginning of the beach’s edge.
They are comfortable to wear in all types of terrain, with rubber bottoms that keep you from sliding. When I did my beach walks, I had them remain on my feet until they hit the sand, which they were then popped into a canvas bag. My dog and I walked barefoot in the sand and the ocean, until her paws grew tired and I would carry her for the remainder of our long walks. These teal birkenstocks were my comfort shoes. I always have a pair of birkenstocks that turn into these steady companions. As time progresses, they lose their new sheen, become discolored with the excessive use, and simply are my errand shoes.
These teal Birkenstocks remained with me, after I had to put Bella to sleep, and I would attempt to return to the beach to do the walks without her. Grief accompanied me, but so did these shoes. They were there as I relocated to my new home, another beach town, supporting me to feel the sand a hundred miles north of where I was living. They brought me consistency and stability, until they no longer did.
And now the shoes are almost too comfortable and exacerbate a soreness in my foot that doesn’t exist when I wear other shoes. It’s as if these old shoes carry the old pain with me. And I have a realization, its time to let go. For to continue wearing these shoes, will only further hurt my feet. When I looked at the bottoms, they are starting to lose their traction, perhaps allowing a slip to occur. And I realize the more I hold onto and wear these shoes, its keeping me from wearing all the shoes in my closet waiting to have experiences. And so with that, I say thank you to the teal birkenstocks. And slip my feet into a pair of pink Havana slide ons to geret the afternoon ocean. Let’s see what is next in store.
“He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.”- Albert Einstein
This past weekend I went to an Awe & Wonder Retreat, 3 days 2 nights retreat to Esalen, led by Dacher Keltner. I didn’t know what I was getting into when I signed up, I simply wanted to go to Esalen. Every retreat listed seemed to be filled with inspiration, as Esalen’s focus has been on the intersection on philosophy, spirituality, and psychology. My friend Gretchen told me the other day that one of her life goals is to go to Esalen, and that there are two things that stir her with passion and excitement in this world: love and the programs at Esalen. I could not agree more. Yet, I chose the right program to attend, it was exactly what my soul needed at this moment in time.
Dacher shared the 8 aspects of wonder which include: Mystical Experience/Spirituality, Moral Beauty (Kindness and Courage we witness in others), Visual Design, Music, Collective Effervescence (what we experience in concerts or sporting events), Life and Death, Nature, Big Ideas. Through focusing on awe and wonder several times a week, we can decrease loneliness, depression, and increase a sense of gratitude. Although Dacher is a social psychologist, that has studied happiness, has consulted with Pixar for the films Inside Out and Soul, and helped create the emojis for Facebook, he recently pivoted his work toward the concepts of Awe and Wonder. He chose to do this after his brother Rolf died of colon cancer. There was so much grief there as he reflected the totality of the experiences around the world together over decades, but also with this was a sense of awe for the life cycle. He knew he could emerge from this grief from studying and focusing on awe.
Throughout the workshop we learned about the research of Awe and Wonder, completed experiential exercises collectively or in small groups, and processed what was arising internally through reflective writing exercises and contemplation. The group that consisted of 33 people of all different ages cried together, smiled, laughed, and shared about experiences of bliss, wonder, and grief. The concept of awe and wonder seemed so simple, this is something we used to relish in as children, and at times when we are mindful. Yet it is so poignant. Over the past fifteen years, I have a daily practice of gratitude, but I admit at times it can get stale. Adding one reflection of what brought me wonder could enrich this each night. I realize that my Instagram posts (amodernpilgrimage) is to pivot and remind others of the sacred places in the world, sacred moments, and the sacredness in oneself also point to the sense of awe and wonder.
On the 6 ½ hour drive up to Esalen, we listened to the entire soundtrack of Hamilton. My friend had never heard of it, and has not been exposed to many musicals in her life. As I drove up the 101 North, I cried at parts of the songs that always seem to touch me. That musicals seems to express the vastness of emotions we have and the rawness of the human experience. This is why I love this creation so much, and I realized it was a wonderful introduction to the Awe and Wonder weekend. Oftentimes, when I am so moved by something, whether this is a piece of art, writing, song, interaction with a stranger, or a beautiful landscape I want to share this. I yearn for this peak emotion of Awe, which is easily accessible to us.
For the research of the book, the following question was asked to thousands of people from nearly 30 countries :
What is an experience of awe that you have had, when you encountered a vast mystery that transcends your understanding of the world?
From this, the 8 wonders of life were created. And so I encourage you today to reflect on this question, share this question with a friend, acquaintance or even a stranger. Let it land on you and allow yourself to linger on the beauty of reflection and conversation.
I am someone who generally finds myself very optimistic. For over ten years, I write my daily gratitude. I hand out these kindness cards (which you may have received). But I find out that if I am in a funk, I see the negative lining in every situation. This is normal, we are human. Life is full of blessings and tragedies. It’s okay to feel down or to seek out the negative when you are on that pessimistic train. But sometimes, it takes something for you to make a shift. You need to step back and see how the world has your back.
This is the current state of my life. I have been planning this next move in my life for the past several months. It’s taken many detailed specific steps to get here, but for some reason my next phase of life is not turning out as I planned. And as I met with friends and family throughout America these past several weeks, this is the story I shared with them. The story has been what has been going wrong in my life.
It’s as if your hopes and attachments are temporarily tied to one particular dream, and you have a narrow focus to only see that reality. But if that reality doesn’t turn out as planned, then what? I can tell you from experience. If your goal and dream doesn’t come true, due to circumstances out of your control, you go through the stages of grief. Yes that’s right, Elizabeth Kubler Ross named these stages of grief with the following emotions: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. And this is what I went through, perhaps you as well. This may have been for a recent dream or an old one, that you had to let go of. Grief is hard. I am not going to drag you throughout the entire journey (as this website is called it only takes a smile) but there is a shift that occurs when you get to the acceptance phase. You begin to see how the universe is working for you.
Acceptance. This is where I am at.
Currently I am in New York City for the third time in almost six weeks. I am lucky that a high school friend has offered me to stay in her flat, as she travels to Europe. In exchange, I watch her cat. I have never been much of a cat person, as I am allergic. But something shifted in this trip. In addition to being on a daily dose of Zyrtec, I began to see the kind and curious nature of cats, as I visited family and friends. I saw them differently and they began to see me differently, and interacted with me in a whole new way. It was comforting to cuddle with a cat at night, as I am away from my dog Bella and still grieving the loss of my bulldog Puzo. As I cuddled with cats on this trip, my friend reminded me that cats are a symbolic of “rebirth and resurrection.”
Recently, I met up with a friend and her friend at a NYC restaurant. We ordered many things off the menu, cocktails, lattes, appetizers, many courses. Because her friend’s husband is the head chef, the meal was comped. All we needed to pay was the tip. Another blessing. Yesterday, I began to realize on this trip, many people who I have spent time with have offered to pay for meals or drinks, because I am not currently employed. They’ve offered me the fortune to stay at their homes, and I am so appreciative. Regardless where I have lived, I have offered the same to others or to pay for meals or drinks. In fact, while I was away from Paris, people have stayed in my home. One particular friend is staying in my home the entire time to watch Bella. Kindness is being paid back.
Before I had the meal with my friends, I stopped by TKTS to buy last minute tickets to a Broadway show. The associate said, “do you want orchestra seats center for $89?” For a moment I thought, that may be too costly. Shouldn’t I buy the cheapest ones available? But then I thought, why not treat myself for an additional $30. He replied, “I will get the best tickets I can for you.” I got the sixth row center for the show new musical 1776. When I looked online how much those tickets sold for, it was $255 each. Thank you TKTS worker.
Then yesterday morning, when I popped to Starbucks, I ordered a large coffee and used rewards for a free banana loaf bread. The staff member got me a medium coffee, I was confused as I ordered a large. I didn’t complain, as I was going to simply take the medium coffee. It was not a big deal. But they said, you can keep this and I will get you the large. Wow, thank you Starbucks worker. I then noticed the pattern the past six weeks. People have continued to be gracious and kind to me, and although I was appreciative of this, I didn’t live in a state of gratitude.
Last week, at an alternative healing conference, I had various interactions with healers and psychics. So many people told me that the beauty in my life that was unfolding. One intuitive woman began giving me an impromptu reading and offered to share with me the gifts that are occurring, and how my purpose may currently be redirected for a higher purpose.
There have been so many amazing words and kind gestures offered to me, but I was blind to them. I was in my own embarrassment and sorrow for my future not going as planned, that I refused to see the kindness that was occurring in that moment. I am thinking back to the day five weeks ago, when I received difficult news that things may not go my way for this next step in my life. I was so tearful as I walked the streets of New York with my mother. But strangers tried to comfort me in the city, whether they offered me a compliment on the dress I was wearing or make me smile by saying a joke as a driver walked by. They attempted to make me smile and get me out of the moment of grief. I couldn’t see that. I saw only my own misery. But now I do.
Even friends and family continuing to reach out to see how my status in on this new goal and collectively empathizing with my frustration, those small moments of thoughtfulness matter. And I appreciate it. I may not have showed it at the time, but I appreciate it now. I think that this is something to keep in mind. Yes, writing your daily gratitude is important, but we can habituate to it. Just like any activity in life, it can lose it’s essence. It’s important sometimes to step back slow down, and not just verbalize gratitude, but feel it in your body, sense it, recall it, look people in the eyes when you say thank you. Reflect on it at a later point, and pass the positive energy on. I actually have run out of my tangible gratitude cards on this trip, which rarely happens. I usually have an abundance of them. But so many people were kind, that I gave them all out. And still there’s so much more I want to give back.
So as I write this blog post, I want to offer this to you. Take a moment to see how things are going right in your life. Notice the support others are offering to you. This may be in the guise of animals, strangers, friends, family, or opportunities. Allow yourself to grieve for the dream you may have to let go of right now. But also realize the universe does have your back. There may a greater dream the world has planned waiting for you, but you have to have your eyes open to see it.
“Trust that your wounds are exactly as the Universe planned. They were divinely placed in your life in the perfect order so that you could show up for them with love and remember the light within.” ― Gabrielle Bernstein, The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith
“You needn’t die happy when your time comes, but you must die satisfied, for you have lived your life from the beginning to the end.”-Stephen King
Recently I binged on a six episode podcast in a span of 24 hours. It was beautiful, poignant, and emotional, and I had to share this. The series is called Dying for Sex. It’s a conversation between two best friends, where one particular friend has stage 4 cancer, divorces her husband, and explores her sexuality with the time she has left. It contains such beauty, humor, rawness, vulnerability, and inspiration. It serves as reminder for one to think of how do you want to live your life, knowing that you will die.
How often do we forget that we are going to die? That is the only certainty we have. I’m not trying to be morbid or focus solely on the negative here, but it is true. Yet, when we know this and can hold this in our hands, it reminds us of the preciousness of our lives.
This is a foundational principle in Buddhism. In fact in Bhutan, people remind themselves five times a day they are going to die to bring about their happiness. If you have problems doing this, you can buy an app called “We Croak,” which will remind you. I purchased this years ago, and try to remind myself how precious life is frequently.
When you know death is imminent, you cut out the crap, and live a life aligned to what is most important to you. But the truth is none of us know when our time is. What are we waiting for? What do you need to do to live in alignment with your values? What is on your bucket list?
Yesterday, I lost my English Bulldog companion of 15 years. And it’s been more difficult than I expected. As I was reading this book on the Dark Night of the Soul by Thomas Moore, it said you should try to describe your intense emotions in metaphors versus literally. And this is what I have come up with so far…
It’s like…
It’s like the dizziness you feel from spinning in circles.
It’s like finding your first gray hair.
It’s like living in a country where you don’t understand the language.
It’s like a first break up.
It’s like breaking a bone, which you feel will never heal.
It’s like learning to use crutches.
It’s like visiting your childhood home.
It’s like a late January day in England, where the sunsets are at 3 :30 pm.
It’s like letting the world see you without makeup.
It’s like struggling to get onto another flight after yours was cancelled.
It’s like getting lost and not having cell service or a GPS.
It’s like driving on an empty tank, wondering if you will make it to the next gas station.
It’s like endless vomiting after a night out drinking.
It’s like a 100 degree day without air conditioning.
It’s like a yeast infection.
It’s like losing your appetite because you lost your sense of taste.
It’s like 24 hours of no sleep.
It’s like standing on a crowded train at rush hour for a long commute.
It’s like knowing you will never hear your favorite song again.
Metaphors can’t convey the pain, loneliness, and distance I feel from myself losing him.
Today I had to say goodbye to one of my closest companions for the past 15 years. This has been one of the hardest moments, and I knew he waited for me until I came back from my trip. I had minimal sleep last night, crying as I looked at him, as he looked at me, his head rested on my hand, and we both knew our remaining time is limited. I played my Puzo playlist day and night, which consisted of his favorite classical, jazz, and kirtan songs (his favorite song is by Paz – Om Ganapataye, which I played in the vet office as he died).
I’ve had so many memories with this being who came into my life when I was 28, and has now left when I was 43. We had 15 years and 1 month together. Over the years, he’s travelled to more places than some humans. He was a gift from my mother from Amish country in Ohio to NYC (with sidetrips to Connecticut, Vermont, Philly), and two moves to California, Hawaii, and we lived in three residences in the United Kingdom (he even visited Scotland), and finally Paris France. I know he has now transitioned to a place where he will have further adventures and watch over me from above.
It was through walking him and his sister Bella, that I began to talk to strangers in these unfamiliar cities or to explore parks in places I would never have frequented. He opened my heart in ways I didn’t know it was possible. We named him Puzo, as Anthony’s favorite author was Mario Puzo (author of the Godfather), but puso in Tagalog (the Filipino language) means heart. He definitely lived into the name of Gangsta Mafia and Fullness of Heart. I love you Puzo, and I’ve appreciated every joyful, crazy, hilarious, difficult, touching moment with you over the years. We will miss you and I know you will be watching over us and protecting us in this next phase.
It Only Takes A Smile 