Role Reversals

05 Sep 2025 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , ,

This week, I am squeezing a visit with my grandmother.  She’s been such a powerhouse for much of my life, the top prescribing psychiatrist in Philly for quite some time. She owned a practice for decades, with hundreds of employees and numerous buildings. The past several years have brought about retirement and a bit of dementia. It’s been gradual, having long term memory, but lapsing in short term memory.

            Mama Minda is what I call her, as she never wanted to be called grandma.  She was quite young when she became a grandmother with me, I never knew any different.  I accepted it, and it stuck.  She helped pay for my living as I went to graduate school in psychology, and my first year of tuition.  For a brief year after I got my doctorate, I lived and worked with her.  I witnessed her wearing powerhouse suite blazers that were bright or filled with bold springtime flowers and heels, bedazzled herself with jewelry.  

Depsite her dementia progressing, she still wears bling jewelry.  The gold glistens as she walks with a cane, or holding onto your arm.  Her time sitting across from patients, listening to their symptoms, now consist of crocheting scarves.  She once led meetings and had pharmaceutical reps following her from one building to another offering expansive meals for staff members, I now had to spoon feed her lunch, or else she wouldn’t eat.   There’s a sense of appreciation, as she feels this is a loving act and it is. We age, dynamics change.

            In the two hours I spent with her, she asked me questions 30-50 times. I didn’t mind responding, as it was a reminder to practice patience.  It also served as exposure therapy to talk about my recent break up?  Our conversations went like this:

            Grandma                                                         Me

            How old are you now? 20? 30? 40?               46

            Where are you living?                                    California

            Where in California?                                      Avila Beach

            Do you have a boyfriend?                              We broke up

            Why?                                                              Not a good match                              

            Was he American? Or Filipino?                     American

            I’ll pray for you so you will find a                 Thank you

                        Good match, get married,

                        And have kids

            And repeat

It’s one way to get over a break up… and I know her repetitive questions are a way to ensure I am “happy”, that I am taken care of.  All the boxes are checked off for what brought about happiness in her era, and she wouldn’t have to worry about me. Or she could partake in any way to assist, by praying or attempting to play matchmaker.

I am not sure how many years we have together, but I will make the most of it. And will be happy to respond to whatever questions she asks, and know they come from a space of love.  It’s a role reversal, and I’m happy to reciprocate.

UP

25 Jan 2025 Leave a comment

by Dr. Tricia Wolanin in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , ,

On a flight from LA to Tokyo, I finally watched the Pixar film UP.  Generally, I am not one to love animated films, but my brother boasted about this and I had to see it.  Ten minutes into the film, I knew the entirety of it would pull at my heart (or balloon) strings.

It’s with older age, I can appreciate the rich nature that the sentimentality of these films have to offer. There’s such a bittersweetness in watching this elder character carry out his hero’s journey. The storyline begins with two lead characters, Carl and Ellie, who meet in childhood bonding over their love for adventure and explorer Charles Muntz, whose life work was to venture and conquer the unknown in South America. Within a several minute montage, one witnesses Carl and Ellie’s love affair, marriage, home renovation, career, miscarriage, celebrations, and daily rituals.  We witness the characters connect, dream, deal with setbacks, surprise one another, age into their retirement years, slow down, and eventually we reach her death.    Since childhood, Ellie utilized techniques of manifestation to live an adventurous life, through speaking dreams into her reality, creating a book that served as a vision board, and painting out her future reality in South America.  But life gave them setbacks, whether it be their finances, health, car problems, home repairs, or other mishaps.   Ellie and Carl never did make it to South America, particularly to Paradise Falls as they envisioned they would have their home one day. The lead character Carl Fredricksen vowed to carry out Ellie’s dreams which were displayed in her Book of Adventure. 

As the film progresses, Carl (who appears to be his 70s or 80s) is being pushed out of the home he had built with his wife, and forced into a retirement home.  Yet within him still stirs a wild desire to live life more fully, and he is willing to put up creative fight.    It’s the call to adventure.  A threshold is crossed, obstacles arise.  Sidekicks and villains appear as we navigate being in the belly of the whale.  Transformation ensues and atonement, and he eventually returns home. The whole hero’s journey was exemplified in UP.

In our own lives, although we may set out goals for how we want to lives to go, our plans  pivot for one reason or another. We may meet our heroes and are disappointed.  We attain our dreams, and then realize we must let them go to allow our current life to unfold. Sentient beings enter our life in unexpected ways who may need our support.  We are guided and taken care of, by mentors and surprising characters.  There is a realization that caring for others sometimes must take precedence over our own egoic goals.

At one point in the film, Carl is reviewing his wife’s Book of Adventure, which he assumed just included images of their travel dreams.  But as he allowed himself to look further, he found she had posted images of their happy daily life together, which was full of connection and laughter.  At the end of the book, she signed a message to him “Thank you for the adventure, now go have an adventure of your own.” It was her blessing from beyond.  Sometimes we are living with the ghost of who we once were, in trying to honor another we can constrict what is emerging in the current moment.

There is strength in letting go of what we once hoped to allow a new creative opportunity to flow.  Tears streamed down my face as the film neared it’s ending.  It was surprising how poignant the life lessons that were exemplified in a cartoon.  Whenever we engage with a bittersweet piece of art, we cant help but reflect on how this impact our lives.  Watching films such as this can be a contemplative practice, noting how it lands with us today, what emotions arise, and how do we want to direct the narrative of our own stories from this point forward.  Films such as this can be catalyst to course correct one’s journey to live in alignment with one’s current authentic values, not those of the past.